Velociraptors: A RWBY crack-fiction
by Loodlelood
Summary: I am ashamed of my words and deeds.
1. Prologue

_**Velociraptors.**_

A RWBY fanfiction.

Prologue.

As with any other day in the kingdom of Vale the day had started out clear for the most part, though with an undeniably foreboding blanket of clouds in the foreground that may have warned of rain. It was curious truly, that given these frequent observations not once had even the slightest of showers ever graced his schools grandiose courtyards. The courtyards of which he traversed now whilst giving ponderation to such thought.

The children stood around whilst conversing. Those who had survived at least.

It was as Professor Ozpin rolled, as though an autobot, up with his heelys of which he oft advised students to utilize to escape their feelies that he inquired quizzically "Yo, the fuckles uples mah muggles?" to his non wizard students.

"W-what?" Asked the confused and virginal jaune, who had yet to materialize his semblance. He had failed yet Ozpin gave to him an "A" for effort. The fact that effort started with an "E" aside, it was such an "A"ish "A" that he might almost allow him to bang Pyrrha. For his effort.

Almost.

"P-profesor?"

"Da fuq" Ozpin replied, thus validating jaunes existence.

"T-the attack- I mean there's still so much we don't know! Who was behind it? How did the White Fang get those Grimm into their planes? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?" Screeched jaune.

The wise Professor replied to such "Because I said so?" much to the confusion of everyone. And like that Ozpin was Ozpout.

The trials of trying to comprehend the machinations of those youthful minds were too great for the Headmaster, who was already tired from bitch-slapping Cinder to death with the corpse of the Fall Maiden.

He had slain Cinder as well as Jaunes chance at saving the day and doing the frick-frack with magnets and poles n shit. The old Professor roller-bladed his way up the empty elevator shaft he had installed to fuckle with Glynda, who scared everyone. Upon reconvening outside his door he stumble into his office to find a scene not to out of place for Ozpin's secret "Education Dungeons". It was James _Ironwood wielding the power of the Devil Buster and channeling Han Solo engaged in an epic battle against the fearsome Druncle Qrow. "I'm really feeling it!" Qrowbro exclaimed._

" _That's no moon!" kernel Oaksteel announced cryptically, slashing one of Qrows many whiskeys to death. Thus preventing the fates of a thousand unQrowed virgins. In a rage against all of creation Qrow unleashed the power of his Sword-Scythe-Shotgun. Lo and behold, for it twas metal. Literally a fucking Guitar made out of stone carved statues of defiled innocence, and wreathed in an aura of its own. An aura of hate and all things that bring forth the screaming of babes on the cold winds of a dead days false hopes. The resulting outpour of shattered innocence of both emo and metal varieties was enough to force abortions of hate on all pregnant Moon Dragons from the future._

 _Commander Birchbrass could only stand helplessly_ as _his draconic moon womb imploded in an instant of sheer fucking metal. Lieutenant Palmtreecopper declared "Fuckle it." and committed suicide in space for the future of_ mankind.

"Yo yo yo, where da black coffee at?" The surprised Professor inquired.

"Are you asking for the drink or the team currently stored in the Education Dungeons?" offered back Glynda, lord of student abuse.

"No… they shall wait for the cane."

"Very well. The drink then?"

"As assuredly as Jaunes virgin status."

"Commence _th3 ProcCess!1!1"_

" _Glynda why the fuckle do you speak as such."_

 _With great care, Glynda tore a tin can of coffee grinds out of a nearby flaming gargoyle and infused the brown incense with a great deluge of Grimm's tears._

 _A legion of living Whiskey looked on at their victorious father, frozen in awe of the fearsome drunkard. "T-thank you!" they exclaimed._

 _Drunkle Qrow drank it in thanks. "So Ozzy-P what is it that we know of those terrorists?"_

 _With that Ozpin headed to his desk, inserting his Scroll into the receptacle and bringing to life its projection machines. In all the chaos that had unfurled during t_ he attack, he had remembered a faint voice echoing through the halls as he bitch-slapped Cinder. A nearly forgotten voice declaring "You ha _d expected her to be plot relevant, but it was me! Dio!"_

 _Upon investigation of the phrase the Headmaster of Beacon had discovered its links to a mysterious mercenary group._

" _Diamond Dogs."_

" _What?"_

" _We have learned of this mysterious mercenary group lead by a council of mysterious dragonborn super wizards. The leaders as we know them are Big Boss, Revolver Ocelot, Gilgamesh, and Dio Brando."_

 _Qrowdle asked who was trusted enough for this monumental task. For the task of learning of and stopping this organization._

" _Oh do I have an idea." He retorted._

 _And as such was said the empty elevation shaft opened to reveal team RWBY, standing at attention. All four member as follows, Soma Cruz, Colonel Volgin, Shadow the Hedgehog, and Gooseman._


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter one:

The fuck am I even writing: The movie: The game: The musical?

 **Disclaimer: This is nearly maddening stupidity. Two rants you are advised to skip. What the hell was I thinking?**

"A-are you sure about this?" asked Shadow the Hedgehog to his classmate/ forty year old russian military leader.

"Of course." whispered Colonel _Volgin. "I thought our love had moved past this." confessed Volgin in a sensual yet melancholy tone._

"No no no, not that! T-the mission I mean… i-it could be da-"

"Please be silent my furry ball of chocolaty goodness." the Colonel interjected. "Now tell me Shadow, how is it that you feel in this very moment? How might one describe it? I _n this instance we hold one another, not for fear of what is to come, but for passions that lie within us. The passions of hedgehogs and men. For though we may face the end of our days tomorrow we still hold tight to hope. You cling to me as I do you, we stand here on the sands of the shore of endings, yet we feel not fear. Rather we hold dearly to ourselves, to each other, and to the LOVE in our hearts. So tell me my Furfag of Fast, do you not deep down know that it is not this day nor any soon that we shall wade into the waters of the sea of oblivion?"_

 _Sha_ dow was stunned.

What a raging Homosexual.

"Goodnight my love" Shadow kissed Volgin passionately on the lips.

"And no Homo."

It was to the sound of Goose man overdosing on methamphetamine again that the rest of their team awoke. "WaT" croaked Ozpin who blown the fuck out of his mind. "Professor how and why is it that you are here?" asked Soma. "A magician must never brush his teeth both ways before crossing the row row row your boat **on a cold winter morning**

 **In the time before the light**

 **In flames of death's eternal reign**

 **We ride towards the fight**

 **When the darkness has fallen down**

 **And the times are tough alright**

 **The sound of evil laughter falls**

 **Around the world tonight**

 **Fighting hard, fighting on for the steel**

 **Through the wastelands evermore**

 **The scattered souls will feel the hell**

 **Bodies wasted on the shores**

 **On the blackest plains in Hell's domain**

 **We watch them as they go**

 **Through the fire and pain and once again we know!**

 **So now we fly ever free**

 **We're free before the thunderstorm**

 **On towards the wilderness**

 **Our quest carries on**

 **Far beyond the sundown**

 **Far beyond the moonlight**

 **Deep inside our hearts and all our souls!**

 **So far away we wait for the day**

 **For the lives all so wasted and gone**

 **We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days**

 **Through the fire and the flames we carry on!**

 **As the red day is dawning**

 **And the lightning cracks the sky**

 **They'll raise their hands to the heavens above**

 **With resentment in their eyes**

 **Running back through the midmorning light**

 **there's a burning in my heart**

 **we're banished from a time in a fallen land**

 **To a life beyond the stars**

 **In your darkest dreams see to believe**

 **Our destiny is time**

 **And endlessly we'll all be free tonight!**

 **And on the wings of a dream**

 **So far beyond reality**

 **All alone in desperation**

 **Now the time has gone**

 **Lost inside you'll never find**

 **Lost within my own mind**

 **Day after day this misery must go on!**

 **So far away we wait for the day**

 **For the lives all so wasted and gone**

 **We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days**

 **Through the fire and the flames we carry on!**

 **[guitar solo]**

 **Wo-o-oah,wo-o-oah,who-o-o-o-oah!**

 **Wo-o-oah,wo-o-oa,who-o-o-o-oah!**

 **[guitar solo]**

 **Now here we stand with their blood on our hands**

 **We fought so hard, now can we understand**

 **I'll break the seal of this curse if I possibly can**

 **For freedom of every man!**

 **So far away we wait for the day**

 **For the lives all so wasted and gone**

 **We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days**

 **Through the fire and the flames we carry on!"**

"What the fuck?" asked Soma.

"Through the Fire and Flames" is a song by English power metal band DragonForce. The song is acclaimed as the most successful song by the band. The song is a single as well as the opening track from DragonForce's third album, _Inhuman Rampage_ , and features rapid twin guitar solos by Herman Li and Sam Totman. The song peaked at #86 on the _Billboard_ Hot 100 and #61 on the Canadian Hot 100 in 2008. It also enjoyed briefly renewed popularity in March 2015 when a cover version uploaded to YouTube went viral, sending the song to number 13 on the Rock Songschart. It has sold 1.1 million copies in the United States alone and has been certified gold by the Recording Industry Association of America" Through the Fire and Flames" has also appeared in several video games. It is considered one of the most difficult songs to appear in the _Guitar Hero_ rhythm game series, first appearing as an unlockable bonus song in _Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock_ , then again with full band support in the main setlist of _Guitar Hero: Smash Hits_. It is a playable song in Konami's band session arcade games _GuitarFreaks_ and _DrumMania_ _V6_ , and part of the soundtrack for _Brütal Legend_. It is also one of the most popular songs used by _Audiosurf_ players.[4] The song was also made available for download for _Rock Band 3_ on 29 March 2011 for both Basic rhythm, and PRO mode which can utilize real musical instruments. As of July 20th, 2015, it is one of the most-viewed and shared official music videos on YouTube, with 69,086,664 hits." Replied Ozpin.

"Well fuck that's good to know" gruffed Shadow the Hedgedge.

"The mission before you is of grave importance so remember my friends… remember that if Blue skidoo, we can too."

Then he jumped out of a window.

Just jumped the fuck out of there.

What a guy.

later they were boarding the transport while also being late to class with pieces of toast in each of their individual mouths. Great job with the scheduling by the way. It was then an unusually adorable voice called out to them, the intent of this noise was most likely that of a greeting. Unfortunately shit turns into a rollercoaster from here.

It was Penny. Reborn in the light of R'hllor as the new Azor Ahai tasked with ending the threat of the white walkers, but not the Schnee family or anything. Nevermind that corpses tend to reanimate around them, but hey look penny escaped the feels oh god why.

"Oh sorry I had heard that team Rwby was…"

"Actually we are team RWBY." said a confident Soma to the confused toaster.

"My my, it would appear you're a tad bit confused little toaster." said Ozpin who was there now because plot.

"Oh R'hllor no!" gasped the exasperated fax machine named Penny.

"NO!" shouted Gooseman, now revived from the overdose.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Wait plot wtf?

Disclaimer: Bro I'm sorry. It gets worse.

Team RWBY awoke to the melodic serenade of Goosemans overdose. An odd occurrence that should have startled the kindly team leader Soma. Who at this point could not find this surprising no matter how greatly he tried.

"Oh." said Shadow the Edge, edge, n edgy. In an edgy tone I might add.

"I see." intoned Volgin.

"Well I suppose we should get ready for the mission" Soma suggested whilst spreading butter on his piece of "Generic Anime Schoolchild" brand toast, despite the sentient foods silent appeal for mercy. The toast of course contained an unusually high protein content, and was essential for a growing boy. Besides it was toasts fault for resisting the conditioning it was exposed to since birth, all of which was geared towards ensuring that it looked forward to the end of its life.

"So Soma, please recount the details of the mission." requested the ever so polite Volgin.

"Well." started Soma "We'll be taking a transport ship to some remote town a few miles South of the Ronald Reagan National Museum. From there we'll be contacted by one of beacons for some reason undercover agents"

"What's his name?" asked Volgin.

"Noitcerid Eno."

Shadow squealed angstily.

Gooseman gurgled plot-relevantly.

Volgin harassed a nearby lower ranking officer sensually.

Soma did a castlevania thing castlevania-ly.

Schooltoast Chan begged silently.

And with that they were off. A team of four friends, unshakable in their faith and pure of heart. Well at least Soma was. Sorta. They meant well.

The transport lay still though not silent. Its engines a whir of mechanical oppression. Much like the patriarchy. A sense of familiarity overtook Soma as team RWBY approached the ship only to be interrupted by an oddly adorable though lifeless voice.

"Hello Soma." intoned Penny.

"What in the name of all that is good and Castlevania-ey?"

"It has been a good deal of time." she answered.

Soma spat out his now resigned toast, just as it had accepted its fate.

"Please Soma, return safely." the small one asked.

"And good luck, though I know team RWBY has always performed efficiently and without hesitation."

"This is of the utmost imp-" Ozpin, who was there because plot, was interrupted by a resounding wail of methamphetamine filled determination.

"NO!" shouted Gooseman.

It was all a tense scene, but Ozpin seemed more amused than bewildered. The look of fear on the face of the now living Gooseman was enough to unnerve even Soma. And that dude was like 2/3rds Dracula damnit. A sly smile on Ozpin, a slight change of stance on the part of Gooseman. In a brisk motion Gooseman utilized his semblance to aid in the formation of his weapon. A falchion comprised of crystallized exotic lubricants.

"Sensuale Lacerabis." mused an unimpressed Ozpin. "When was the last time that blade managed to stop this?"

"Enough! This ends now!" Shouted Gooseman.

"Yes." allowed Ozpin. "As it has again and again."

Soma could not look away. This _surely had never happened before, yet he could not help but to feel the exact contrary._

 _He felt he should restrain his rabid teammate yet he found himself, along with the rest of his team, reaching for his weapon and rallying behind Gooseman. Penny was there too._

" _Sensuale lacerabis , LUBRICO caelum , et propter nostram salutem descendit pluvia ._ _PEREGRINUS EXCITARE LUBRICANTS._ _ **BANKAI!**_ "

 _Go_ oseman finished his incantation, and a faint hint of surprise nearly entered the Headmaster's silvery hazel eyes as a great pit of greased up walruses opened beneath him.

"So… when did you develop this?" asked a vaguely interested Headmaster.

"It's been a while, but now it's all pent up. Those drugs of yours could never effect me, but 'they' were another matter." he replied indicating his colleagues. "But you underestimate the human, and hedgehog, body. They have grown resistant to your little tricks. They've adapted!"

"Well I suppose I shall have to adjust the dosage." Ozpin informed them. "Though I have to wonder what grants you your immunity."

"THE HARD PARTY DRUGS CANCEL OUT THE CONSPIRACY DRUGS!" screamed Gooseman calmly.

"Well Soma, aren't you going to stop this?" Ozpin grinned. "No? Well I shall send my condolences to your dear Mina."

Soma was shaken. Who was this woman he spoke of? He froze unable to grasp at the words floating in the deepest recesses of his mind, his head aflame.

"And you Colonel, what of Ivan? What of your dearest subordinate?"

"What?" asked Shadow.

It was a mess. Volgin halted by those memories which did had not died, but rather were buried. Shadow however was a fucking douche and was internally monologuing about the darkness he holds within himself.

"I am going to murder you." Ozpin said subtly.

"Fuck it." said Gooseman, and in an instant his blade reformed into one of those extendo arm toys we all had at one point. You know the one on the T-shirt with the T-rex. And in a fluid swipe grabbed his dear friends and bolted the fuckle out o' der. They all ran, except for Shadow who glided like a hipster douche, in an attempt to escape the campus. The Headmaster slowed by the greasy walruses in his path, and the speed limit he imposed upon himself in an attempt to avoid spilling his coffee. Though before he knew it, those rapscallions had eluded him on. That's what he got for using heelys.

Exhausted and with heavy hearts they looked back towards the kingdom that had once been home.

"Kept you waiting, huh?" asked and odd eyepatch and sombrero wearing man, who was joined by a mysterious red scarf clad man. He sat there upon his horse, hand extended.

"What the fuck." said Volgin.

Soma extended his hand.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: It's too early in the story for that crap.

Disclaimer: It just gets worse. This one is pretty short though. Quality!

"Y _ou did WHAT?" screeched Glynda._

" _I kinda pretended to be evil to fuckle with them." Ozpin admitted._

" _And how did that end?"_

" _With them joining Diamond Dogs." h_ e adm _itted sheepishly._

" _An_ d what did I tell you not to do?"

"To no _t accept triple dog dares from Ocelot on Twitter."_

" _And what is it that you did again?"_

" _Damnit you just don't understand me! You're not even my real mom! I hate you forever!"_

" _Yeah, you go Ozzy-P!" shouted Qrow as he tuned his guitar._

" _Hell yeah Qrobro!" Exclaimed Ozpin to his best bro Qrow._

" _And besides." Ozpin continued. "Penny digged it."_

 _It was then that our hero opened his desk drawer, from which Penny in chibi form handed him a sugar cube. He plac_ ed his hand affectionately on her head in a motion reminiscent of a man playing with his four week old puppy. She then receded back into her new home while The OZter placed the cube into his coffee.

"fine, but how did you convince them of all this? Why did Gooseman say what he did? Why did whatever you said to them shake them like that, and who were those people you mentioned anyways? "

"Because I said so?"

"No."

"Well little miss Goodbitch if you must know it's called confabulation. When an individual is convinced of something and needs affirmation of such, they simply fabricate a false memory to serve their belief system. This can actually be invoked in others under the proper circumstances. It's quite common actually and all that is needed is the dead serious word of two trusted individuals of authority over the subject and the right atmosphere."

"Where the fuck did you learn this?" asked Glynda, slightly concerned.

"Well Glynda I believe we have already discussed this." said Ozpin with confidence.

"Wait, but no though?" Glynda said before exploding.

"Wow I've lost like six damn minions since the start of this shit-fic."

"Actually!" Penny chirped. "I think she's just unconscious!"

"Awesome. Qrow! To the Education Dungeons! Oh and thanks Pen-Pen."

"Finally!" exclaimed Qrow with glee.

Meanwhile in the Courtyard of Plot!

Schooltoast chan crawled away from the pile of pigeon corpses and breadcrumbs. He clenched his teeth and wept. He wept for the fate of all Generic Anime Schoolchild Brand Toast and associated breakfast products. He wept for the life given to his brethren, only for them to be programed for a life of servitude ended only by death. He wept for his mind which was spared, and he wept the the rage burning in his breast. His heart aflame he slammed his fist into the ground breaking the pavement. He made a silent prayer. A promise to whoever was behind his existence.

"Brand… Brando… DIO!" he remembered quaking with righteous fury.

And as he was enveloped in an expansive light, a second toast emerged behind him as furious as the first.

"I will end this damned cycle!"

Joseph looked on, pleased with his discovery, and slowly mosied on up towards the angry toast.

"Hello. I believe we share a target for asskicking."

"DO YOU KNOW THE DIO!?"

"I know the Dio."

"WHY DO YOU KNOW THE DIO!?"

"I wish to end the Dio."

"I AS WELL WISH TO END THE DIO!"

"I could use your help, just as I believe you could use mine. So, what do you say."

"YES."

"So what's it you go by?"

"I AM THE TOASTARO!"

"Of course you are. This. This is my life now. I chose this."

Joseph rethought his life choices.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: There's no getting off Mr. Ozpin's wild ride.

"Mr. Ozpin?" asked a confused Ruby. "Can we have our old team name back?"

"Ah." a relaxed Ozpin let out.

The day stood silent. A grey shroud of clouds had formed over the school on this most melancholy day. The loss of four valuable assets still stung the Professors memory, but he to look past this. His brief moment of weakness had cost him, but he still had the greatest treasure known to the guardians of man. A main character.

"Sure."

"Are you alright?"

No. No he was not.

It was as he overlooked the mass of his students flowing to and from class to simply to get to their next that he truly felt the weight of his years. These were those whom he had sworn to protect, yet found himself not giving a fuck.

"Well what's wrong Professor?" asked the leader of the team which was called RWBY originally.

"With Glynda in the Education Dungeons I had to figure out how to make my own coffee." he said distantly.

"W-where are the Education Dungeons?" asked a timid Ruby.

"Right next to the Pleasure Catacombs."

"W-who do you have there? Why are they there?"

"I suppose you could say they have a bone to pick with me." punned the Headmaster, content with himself.

A slight smell of salt filled the room as wayward winds brought forth the scents of the western seas above which on a bluff far to the east Beacon was built.

"Why was our team name changed for like, three days?"

"For the lulz my little Roobster, for the lulz."

"So?"

"Go do the stuff."

"Okay!"

It was as this heavily armed underaged child with slightly delusional views on the nature of the world left his lonely office the Professor knew the world was fucked to shit.

Like for real. We're down to using child soldiers to handle this stuff.

"I need more coffee."

"Ruby?" asked the white walker, in the language spoken only by dead things.

And so yang asked of her little sister "So I guess we'll be leaving for the mission soon?"

"Does it have anything to do with my dark and troubled past, littered with darkness and mystery?"

"No."

"That's cool too." admitted a defeated Blake.

"So... all the shuttles seem to be on fire." observed Ruby.

Weiss sarcastically invoked the tongue of shattered ice.

"How are we going to make it?" asked a disparaged Ruby.

"We could just cut to the arrival." spoke Yang, giving zero fucks about the fourth wall.

"It has been too long SISTER!" shouted Lang, Yang's evil not Ruby sister.

"I said arrival not a rival!" and then Lang was hit by a train.

"We made it!" shouted Yang, cutting to the arrival.

"So… the Rancho Corrales Apartment Complex. We made it." announced a serious Yang.

"Why is there a stereotypical fantasy setting inn? We're in the middle of California!" exclaimed a logical Ruby.

"Because I said so?" asked a confused Ozpin, somewhere in the distance.

A sparsely occupied bar at best. This establishment was one such were all it took to start a bar fight was a measly failed roll on a speech check. A slight chill found itself creeping up Ruby's spine. Surprisingly it wasn't Weiss, but rather a force of preteen stupidity that hurt the very essence of the sensible team leader.

Though just as quickly it vanished. Though assuredly it had nothing to do with the multiple gunshots and the sounds of five bodies hitting the floor.

Nothing at all.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter five: One direction goes one direction, and that direction is towards the afterlife.

Disclaimer: Shit tier OC shenanigans and magical randomness ensues.

"Why HELLO my DEAR friendssss." exclaimed a shit tier OC who I shoehorned in here because writer's block and sleep deprivation.

"A-are you supposed to be Noitcerid Eno?" asked a skeptical Blake.

"YeSSSS." exclaimed my original character do not steal, whilst attempting, and failing, to slide the bodies away with his foot.

This thing was a sight to behold. A "man" who appeared as a fellow student in terms of age, but resembled little else any of those poor girls had seen before. His pale alabaster skin gave an odd reflective effect to his form, and the cotton candy blue shirt which was emblazoned with a heart containing the letters "OTP" simply added to the confusion of his onlookers. His pajama pants were covered in stills of every scene in "The Titanic" shrunk and set to a pink background. His boots defied any sense. They seemed segmented, one white the next red. On and on, ending in tips that curled and pointed upwards. His hair a mess of nonsensical pink curls which reached his shoulders and seamed to give of pink embers for whatever logic forsaken reason. Actually they seemed to emit from every fiber of his being. None of this was helped by the unnatural pits of abysmal darkness that served as his optical receptors. His pupils, shaped as constantly rotating 3-dimensional cubes, glowed a sickly green.

Spreading his arms wide he shouted " I am pleased TO make your ACQUAINTANCE!"

In his right hand a large barbershop pole was held, shrouded in alphabet soup whirling with ethereal fabulousness.

In his left hand he held an "as many as I need" barreled revolver in the shape of a candy cane.

On his back a fucking plexiglass Trident.

"I am known by the name BERRI BAMBOOZLE and I am here!"

"Yes. Yes you are. Unfortunately." Yang despaired.

"YoU neeD the INFORMATION OF THE MISSION FOR GREAT PEACE."

"Y-yes?" asked a scared Ruby, who knew not what she saw.

"I shall show you. FOLLOW me!" he said as he shot himself in the head and fell through the door to the outside.

As the team rounded the corner they found him sitting upon a polar bear twirling a Spanish babies mustache. The wind howled through the pine trees that were not there before their arrival. An earthy scent wafted through the air as they walked intrepidly towards this odd though fabulous entity. Where this adventure would take them they knew not. Although surely this was for the sake of mankind. Surely.

Meanwhile, away from any and all child kidnappings the true main character Joseph was trying to sound supportive as he dismissed Toastaro's whining. "I suppose you should get acquainted with each other. Alright you guys get chummy." the joestar sang, pushing the toast into a rundown motel room. Friendliness was attempted as Toastaro politely introduced himself to his new teammates by shouting about his hatred for Dio. A child donned in a yellow scarf and crimson motorcycle helmet seemed glad for a new comrade, yet burdened by the reminder that others too have suffered because of Dio. The bucket helmeted Knight suplexing weights in the corner stopped his confusing workout to greet this odd breakfast, much to the delight of a fur lined pimp coat wearing Kakashi-sama-san-chan-senpai-kun who was always happy to see friendship facilitated by his fellows. Outside leaning on a wooden post Joseph took a bite out of his last jumbo sized nutter butter. He had much to think on, yet little time before hitting the road and he always prefered going in with a well thought out plan. Although truth be told he had a knack for formulating plots on the go, so perhaps he would think of something along the way.

"If only we had a vehicle" Joseph mused, as he knocked over a line of motorcycles and attracting the attention of a great multitude of angry bikers.

The team found themselves riding the highway on their new vehicles.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Trouble brews in the Catacombs of Pleasure?

 **Sorry for the wait. Here's some more bullshit.**

"This isn't my car trunk" Qrow observed after he figured out how to open his eyes again.

The drunken stupor he had awoken from was matched only by the drunken stupor he found himself in now. Had he taken a wrong turn whilst stumbling through the vaults under beacon? It certainly seemed so, as the abundance of ambient skeletal corpses indicated.

"The Pleasure Catacombs huh?" snarled the somehow still employed teacher.

"It is HE!"

"Don't you mean him?"

"We mean what we fucking want!"

"Well that is in fact a thing." Qrow mused.

The being in front of him was a single writhing mass of skeletal anonymity. Copy and pasted skeletons clamoring on top of each other seeking release from the rage that bound them to this world. This world which held no place for them, as they had discovered heartwrenchingly. Each had awoken long dead, the flesh rotted from their bones. Some found their dearest loved ones already perished, a few from suicides brought on by the now skeletons passings. Others still found the remnants of their old lives carrying on, and as such were rewarded with those closest to them screaming and running in terror of the monster they would never recognize.

Being bonebro is suffering.

Qrow knew what he must do.

Silently he unsheathed his guitar and looked on at those forgotten souls seeing quite a bit of himself in them. Loss is the nature of cool adult characters and he knew as such more than anyone.

Letting loose a solemn power ballad, this drunkard wished nothing more than to help these vessels of rage and tears.

"Sleep, friends"

"We will not." this congregation of restlessness spoke in unison, as all skulls turned towards Qrow.

The legions of bonesmen split apart to an extent as great appendages of linked human arms cascaded around Qrow.

Skeletal streams of thousands of corpses linked like human towers numbering in the dozens began to descend. One then another crashed within feet of Qrow, kicking up his tattered cape.

He shifted to his side and looked upwards at the core of this beast, and felt thankful that at the very least he still had a few crazy kids to keep him in line.

An arm crashed where he once stood and exploded into bone and stone shards. Qrow sat crouched fifty feet along the length of the arm and dug his guitars blade near his foot and sprinted. He raced along the the length of this decrepit limb and slashed once at the creatures supposed head before landing on a lonely pillar far behind the beast.

Its split arm reforming into two noticeably weaker versions. He saw he had a choice to make in regards to fighting a foe centered on quality or quantity.

All at once it's shambling extremities crashed into his position from all sides destroying the pillar where he had stood.

It was then the creature noticed him standing atop another pillar on the other side of the great cavern. He finished drinking from his flask and wiped his the droplet of liquor which had snaked its way into his stubble with the sleeve of his shirt. This all seemed familiar to him. The scraps of cloth that clung to every twelfth or so skeleton screamed of some prior affiliation.

The mass of hatred adopted humanoid shape and dislocated all writhing extra limbs to the area of its back. This thing arched backwards knees bending, as its wayward limbs grasped for the ceiling from the small of its back. It let out a screech three parts animal screeching and two parts unknowable sorrow, and Qrow finally acknowledged these things as no longer human.

Qrow began once more to play his guitar. His hair and cape flowing backwards in the wind generated by the air pressure differences his guitar was creating. The creature attempted an attack yet Qrow slid forward on his knees. Off the pillar. He just sort of floated there.

His guitar raised in an unearthly solo generated a vacuum field of the metal, acting as a barrier between him and his skeletal adversaries.

He let loose his metal and condensed it around his blade, standing now on the empty air before the body of his prey. Dragging his blade behind him, managing to grind it on air, he rushed forward now placing both hands on his weapon.

"Kishin hunter." Qrow whispered as he stood now on the other side of the beast.

The creature was engulfed in a field of imperishable light that spread this beings ashes across the atmosphere, to settle across the graves and homes of their once beloved families and friends.

"At last" a voice was heard " the Salvation Army may rest."

"Well they're coming home now." he sighed as the dust and ash settled both on the battlefield, and on the remains of their former lives.

"You did it." Whiskey-chan whispered, embracing him from behind.

"I know." he said as he drank the sentient whiskey.

"Hey Qrow bro." called Ozpin softly.

"Oh. Hey Ozzy-P. And you to Penny."

"So they finally rest?"

"Yes."

"So Qrow. As it turns out I might have kept them here to seal away an ancient evil."

"Shit."

"Indeed"

It was then that a great inferno emerged from the back of the Catacombs of Pleasure, as countless jetpack wearing skeletons in spanish armour fled through the hole Qrow had made. Well that was going to require Glynda to fix.

"Well it looks like you've unleashed the carnage conquistadores. They are a legion of six hundred and sixtysix Spanish warrior skeletons with jetpacks and motorcycles. "

"As long as we hold fast to hope we will be ready." expressed Penny.

"You're right penny." Qrow said as he looked into the distance.

What he saw was the likeness of Ruby and Yang formed by the perfectly positioned bodies of falling students who were not likely to survive this.

"As long as we have hope."


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: These chapters are too short.

"Can we get ice cream now?" asked Penny.

"Yes." said Ozpin.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Why is bird? Are we who is? Will us do? Who us am, really?

 **Disclaimer: You guys are great.**

A sunny haze obscured the vision of the figure marching through the sand storm. The amount of blowing sand somehow managed to allow a surprising vestige of light, though it was a vestige none the less. Though bright it was still dark within that whirling monsoon of earth when compared to the death bringing heat of the desert sun outside. It seemed that this occurrence may have been a blessing in disguise. The lone figure took a drink from his twelve gallon shotglass of gasoline to get the taste of sand out of his mouth.

A break in the sand allowed the lone figure a glimpse of a settlement in the distance. Growing impatient this lonesome traveler pulled from his wallet a plain whistle, and in blowing in summoned a custom Harley-Davidson Motorcycle from the edges of the mesosphere. Climbing onto his vehicle which was out of gas, he willed it to move. The sun began to recede back to its astral lair over the horizon as he finally found road amongst the dusty wastes. Determined to finish his quest though knowing this was but the beginning he drove onward.

Parking his Motorcycle on the roof of a nearby space station the traveler leaped back to earth landing directly in front of the previously mentioned city. He waltzed into a nearby bar and struck up casual conversation with a nearby explosion.

But it was after sharing but three shots of gasoline with this friendly detonation that a group of hooded delinquents entered the establishment. Quiet whispers were passed as each drew gold plated Barrett m82 anti material rifles modded with an automatic fire function.

"Chosen hero of all, our lord shall not suffer you to live!" shouted Cultist#1 as he began firing towards the cloaked wanderer yet missing and hitting his drinking partner instead.

The sentient explosion fell to the ground and was caught in the embrace of his friend.

"Please my friend you look sad. Here have a drink." he said pouring gasoline onto himself and setting flame to the building.

"No!" the Cultists shouted as the cloak was burned off the muscular frame of the wanderer, revealing the legend underneath.

"My rage is equalled only by my hunger for lasagna!" shouted this hero in righteous fury!

The cultists shot with their anti tank weaponry, but unfortunately for them Garfield wasn't wearing any tanks, just a rugged tank top and two gold lasagna chains. Drawing his gold plated Desert Eagle and leaping to the side Garfield shouted "Eat Justice You Rascally Vermin!" as he opened fire. His bullets of lawfulness tearing his foes apart he exclaimed "My vengeance shall be complete, and my belly filled."

The sounds of gunfire opened up behind him and on reflex he began swatting with his gun to the side, successfully blocking incoming streams of gunfire from three adjacent helicopters. Throwing his Semiautomatic like a boomerang he downed one target, and whilst sprinting towards its predicted crash site caught his returning weapon. Grasping hold of the helicopter right before it crashed, he aimed and chucked it toward its fellows. They dodged just in the nick of time, just as garfield planned. With the pilots distracted Garfield had enough time to evacuate all nearby citizens to chicago, this being amazing as this city is located somewhere in Australia.

The helicopters turned just in time to witness the moments before Garfield, with precision equal to the hopes and dreams of everyone on earth, would snipe their lives to an end.

"Oh Garfield!" cooed Raiden who looked onwards. "Please train me!"

"No little katana baby, for there are virgins to bed, justices to be delivered, and lasagnas to be eaten." Garfield exclaimed. "And besides, I could never endanger such an innocent. I hunt the deadliest prey of all. Though it is the deadliest only for Garfield is not prey, but predator."

Raiden was intrigued. "Nazi vampires?"

"No, for before the lust inducing machismo of Garfield Nazi vampires are as babies. No, I hunt a beast far greater. Overly flamboyant eldritch abominations."

"I'm sorry I would be such a burden." apologized Raiden profusely.

"Worry not, for though I shall not take you with me I shall allow a piece of my legacy to you." Garfield said as he embraced Raiden's wife in a sexual embrace.

"Thank you Garfield!" cheered Raiden enthusiastically.

"It is of no consequence."

"Goodbye oh true hero." And like that Garfield traveled onwards towards his destiny. The destiny he would create with his prey's corpse.

"I will find you Berri Bamboozle, and I will show you my lasagna scented justice." promised the traveling legend as he passed a group of diverse bikers lead by a rather aged gentleman.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Inferno of termination: Terminal execution: Battle of extremism: Soldier of extermination: Vendetta of assassination: Maximum domination: Triple blood: Double retribution: Fatal overkill: Infinite death:

The Movie.

Directed by Michael Bay.

"Now gentlemen I do not wish to spoil your fun, but I am going to have to request that you shove the fuck off." Ozpin politely informed the skeletal marauders that he was holding back with his foot. The legions of the dead seemed rather upset with his attempted eternal imprisonment and were expressing their disapproval through the medium of irreverent genocide. How rude.

"Well at least things aren't getting any worse around here." Ozpin exclaimed, trying to goad the universe into providing entertainment.

"Oh." he let out whilst feeling great disappointment as nothing happened.

Kicking off the skelebros that had piled upon him, he dusted off his overcoat whilst drinking from his somehow not spilt coffee. He stared down the inexhaustible horde of the undead and thought it amusing to milk them for their spectral tears. Ozpin appeared faster than one could comprehend behind the nearest skeleton and with great tenderness separated its skull from the neck of the creature. He stuffed it into his coat and turned to the others.

"Your frivolous debauchery halts now in this moment you inconceivably ostentatious dickbutts." the Headmaster declared in false anger.

"And what of you? What moral vacancy is required to condemn hundreds of souls to tormented slumber?"

"Such arguments hold no weight coming from those who indulge in the darkest of pleasures."

"The nature of men is that of a slave to the flesh, yet we all restrain ourselves and avoid such integral parts of our subconscience. We held still in life and you promised us release, yet when we awoke to our new though decrepit existence we felt naught but regret."

"Begone fiend, the land of the living holds darkness enough. We need you not."

"Such darkness is to be expected of this world. What with you leading its defence."

"Fuckle it." Ozpin shouted as he pointed to the heavens.

From the ground at his feet strobelights ascended Ozpin's visage to the skies above. His shadow cast on the parting clouds as spontaneous songs from the Kill la Kill OST began to emanate from nowhere in particular. His finger thrust skyward, he look down to the earth as a platform raised him higher.

"From the dirt we tread on we raised this kingdom. With blood and teeth, with tooth and nail we clawed ourselves to the heights we stand upon now. No amount of reasoning can explain the odds we've managed to overcome, and our achievements are well past logic. I don't care who you think you are, or what it is you think to gain. But I Ozpin will hold the future of mankind in my own two hands. I will take the faith my friends have in me, and I WILL strike you DOWN!" Ozpin Gurren Lagannishly shouted.

A sudden rumble resounded from the depths of the earth, and a light shined from the stars beyond. Ozpin's weapon was descending.

"Where are we?" asked a concerned penny, realizing that she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

"A special pocket dimension created when Ozpin needs to choke a bitch." intoned Glynda who was huddled in the fetal position on the floor. "This is a land carved of unliving matter, by unliving hands, and blessed by unliving deities."

"Well." Penny thought aloud in response to this development.

The floor was a flat sea of an odd granite black substance speckled with cracks of white. Every shadow cast was a deep scarlet, much like the sky which held naught but grey clouds and black stars. A single black orb serving as the sun sat eclipsed by crimson ripples. One sun for all four directions, and pulsing obelisks of onyx serving as midpoints between each.

"So is this Ozpin's semblance?"

"No, this shit just happens around us." Qrow intoned whilst enjoying some surprisingly well buttered popcorn.

There were few of those desolate looking clouds, grey as though made of ash, and where one was found the ground beneath held great wooden stakes in the shape of the letter "Y". It was then all at once that from these clouds rusty chains of twisted iron cascaded around every skeleton present. Which unfortunately was only half of them as the range of transportation to this realm was actually rather short. The chains wrapped around the wooden stakes and swung to entangle the Carnage bringing Skeletons in this twisted web of secret hatred.

And then they saw it. Fucking Saturn's rings. Ozpin stole Saturn's fucking Rings. This marvelous specimen of a man decided fuck the galaxy and just fucking chucked the rings at those poor bones. Penny, Qrow, and Glynda were okay though because Qrow brought an umbrella.

Also ignore the fact that he could take Saturn's rings even though the range of teleportation here is supposedly short.

The dust settled to reveal them all back at Beacon with a skeleTON of skeletons escaping via motorcycles and jetpacks.

God bless America.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Can we just take Kaneki and put him in an anime where he just works at a fast food mexican restaurant and never gets hurt oh god why please. Look, we can even call it Taco Ghoul.

"Why are we on a train?"

"Well Blake we need to get to Brazil." the Berri Bamboozle answered.

"Alright." she began sarcastically. "So why are falling from orbit."

"Every story begins with absurd bullshit." said Berri, abandoning his original speech pattern.

"We're like ten Chapter in! And we already started with that!" protested Yang.

":D" Berri managed to somehow say.

"What did I just hear?" asked Ruby shivering lightly.

"I grow ever more concerned with our circumstances." Weiss screeched in the language of frost and death.

"Quick children of man, grab the America!" Berri shouted as leaped onto a nearby massive eagle. The rest of the team followed suit. Landing on the strange bird they soon realized it to be made of multiple Americas bonded together at the molecular level through some unknown reality warping means.

"Why are heading to Brazil anyways?" asked Ruby.

"Plot!" Berri exclaimed cheerfully.

"THAT"S NOT A DAMN ANSWER!" Yang snapped, fed up with his idiocy and randomness.

"We hunt a beast two thirds god." Berri said staring directly at Yang.

The young huntress in training could not stand the sight of those unholy eyes which let loose an odd green mist from the three dimensional pupils within them. The terror of those eyes coupled by his uncharacteristically serious and quite possibly angry tone frightened Yang more than she could say, and infact more than she could know. It had long since passed from the universe's collective memory, but there was a reason the aura of this creature invokes fear in most things living and all things dead.

"You should all rest up, you will need your strength."

"But w-" Ruby was interrupted by the realization that it was she who had spoken. She lied down on the patriotic feathers of the flying democracy and began to shudder at the thought of who it was guiding her and her beloved team.

They all awoke gathered around a bonfire in the middle of a busy street. After briefly hustling to get the heck out of there they found Berri enjoying a delicious taco comprised of black and pinto beans accompanied with shredded sirloin steak and juicy chicken. The cheese used however was unidentifiable, as most cheeses look alike when partially melted despite what most cheese equal rights lobbyists would have your children believe. Do not fall for their lies, vaccines cause autism.

"My word is this taco tantalizingly delicious. Here you go oh good taco vender." Berri cooed to the silver haired employee whilst producing two tacos identical to the first and sliding them to the cashier as payment. "Go buy your girl something pretty."

"How the hell did we get here?" asked a reluctant Blake.

"It was magic Blake. Magic."

"Now children it is time to seek and destroy some nightclubs, am I right?"

"How is this little vacation going to help us? And where are we now?"

"Brazil." Berri answered with plot.

The land they found themselves in was definitely Brazil. The statues of the Great Leader Kim Jong Un could be found in the center of every bathroom, silently judging all occupants. The great war that had led to the subjection of south America to North Korea had been a bloody one. And no one had expected them to forge an alliance with the Australian wildlife. The onset of this war seemed so sudden and abrupt, just as Light Yagami and Lelouch vi Britannia had planned.

"Come for we must kill time before nightfalls and our prey arrives with that which we seek." explained Berri with no ulterior motives whatsoever.

"So what do we do until then?" asked Yang.

"It is oh so simple my little Yangling, we are to kill time."

"Well what do you mean by that specifically?" questioned Ruby.

An odd smile spread from the corners of Berri's face. "I told you, we are going to kill time."


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: We have quite a lot happening and it is honestly a mess.

A cold land for a cold people.

A cruel people for a crueler God.

These were the principals of the frosted, barren land that lie beyond the Demilitarized Zone. The icy flats and frosted mountains of North Korea had been blockaded years prior by the Night's Watch. A ragtag group of mortal men that claimed themselves the sword pointed at the dark, but were in truth nought but a dagger pointed to an ocean. An ocean of hatred which sat, ever churning, in preparation for the coming storm.

"The winds of change streak across my lands, itching for the warmth of that which lies beyond. It is as such that I shall deliver, and it is as such that my world will become truth."

A dark figure stood on the balcony of an onyx tiled palace, amidst a company of worn gargoyles. His hand rested on the intricately carved railing ignoring, or perhaps unaffected, by the frosted temperature. Glaring out to the world beyond this being made a silent promise to his people.

He cared not for them. At least not on a personal level. But they were his, and that which swore loyalty to him freely was to be cared for. He felt at times like an aloof father, warm yet stern. Most of the time however he felt as though a shepherd, dutiful in fulfilling his obligation to his servants so they might feel bliss in servitude, though understanding that he had need of their sacrifice.

Years ago his servants were locked into this frozen nightmare, but soon his legions of North Koreans are to crash, as a bloody stream, against the majority of the world. Phantom blood boiling in rage, his people were possessed of a tendency for battle. Soon it was to be that his servants might once again stand proud.

It was his crusade that would crush the stars to dust. But he knew staring longingly would do little for his cause.

The caped figure strode inwards to his chambers, abundant with gold inlays as well a satin trimmings. He sat upon a simple though elegant throne and called to his faithful servants for a simple refreshment.

"An interesting turn this shift has taken, isn't it?"

"Indeed. Your actions during such… I had not expected them."

"I imagine few would. I merely saw a people impoverished, and thought to uplift them."

And uplift the he shall. To the realms outside it was said Kim Jong Un was he who ruled this wasteland, but those within new such was nought but a mask.

"Such a peculiar thing. They know you are not as you say, yet follow you anyways."

"It is simple. I give them hope."

He had promised the populace a chance to see the true face of their leader, and he intended to keep such a promise. Sipping cooly from his beverage, he felt a deep satisfaction. All was going as planned. His longtime associates had been making great strides towards the domination of the international market, and the instability caused by his people's war had helped to stimulate the then stagnate economy. All that had transpired was a nice change of pace to his generally formulaic life. He would come into great gain only to be stopped by some foolhardy group of youthful vagabonds.

He expected it truly, for he had lived long enough to observe the unspoken trends that governed the form of universe he resided in. After he made his move, or perhaps already he suspected, legions of heroes would arise to oppose him. It grew tiresome trying to fix the world, though it could be said the world was already in his hands.

"I do hope your nation will consider joining our little international community." Whispered the figure in the shadows, an amused grin on his face.

Yes. A place amongst the true powers of this world, a place he was destined for since his humble birth. His wine frosting over, he emerged to turn and glare sharply at the entity in the shadows.

Both broke out in laughter.

"I shall not keep you from your subjects. I depart." Announced the obscured figure, who saw fit to disappear via transportation through a cluster of dark ripples shimmering outwards from his dark corner.

This was a day to be remembered, and all who swore loyalty to the regime would rejoice. From the closest of citizens dwelling within the walls of the capital Necropolis, to the farthest of sympathizers dwelling in the puppet governments of South America. News of their ruler would reach them through the network of North Korean messenger wyverns.

"Such filthy creatures. Always leaving their draconic shit on my servants cars." He mused. At least they tasted adequately delicious.

It was a marvel that North Korea had emerged from the Relatively Lowered Temperature War with the world's most advanced examples of mundane use dragon technology. But soon those wyverns and drakes would be put to a far greater task. The task of making today's anticipated announcement look fucking metal. Fuck yeah, dragons.

It was then the dictator looked with hazel eyes to those bowing to his glory on the floor.

"Fetch me my Kim Jong Un skin." Demanded the figure distantly.

"And make sure this isn't missed."

MEANWHILE ON MOUNT OLYMPUS, SURROUNDED BY A MILLION DRAGONS WITH LIGHTNING STRIKES AND EXPLOSIONS.

"Look onwards my bitches. For here we stand on the mountains of dead gods. Gods slain by our hands, hands which grabbed hold of this mountain and dragged here to send a message to the world. And it was this message that drove all to unite against us! The message that we hold the power to usurp their puny deities as we please!" He roared to his armies of reporters, all of whom had dedicated the entirety of their days to cover this moment.

"Oh Great Leader! Please reveal to us this truth you spoke of!"

"Oh very well."

Reaching up to where the sky had torn, revealing infinite stars, the masked man bent his elbow. Now reaching behind his head he peeled off his thin disguise with great haste, throwing his golden backwards to blow in the wind.

Every dragon present let loose their breath to the tear above. The primordial elements that constitute all of creation flew upwards into the star filled expanse. All as a thousand Mega-Rayquaza's descended to circle the mountain.

"No longer are we merely North Korea. Now we are OMEGA DRAGON KOREA!"

"Wait you can not possibly be our dear leader!" Exclaimed a reporter who had missed the fucking memo.

"Is Dio Brando going to have to choke a bitch?"


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: The world this Fic takes place in is actually pretty fucked up.

Disclaimer: This chapter is really lacking in quality, and not in the fun way. I wasn't feeling all that well.

"CAN WE DO THE PUNCHING OF THE DIO NOW?" Inquired the sentient piece of toast you had most likely forgotten was introduced by now.

Joseph rubbed his metallic hand on his temples and wished silently for death. He had never imagined the price of recruiting a powerful teammate to be so great. The constant shouting of this being was enough to drive any man to madness, and Joseph had to keep this idiot on a short leash at all times. The fist's of this bread knew only violence.

"It's time to ride." Protoman informed Joseph.

The small robot was correct. The sun had begun to set, and once it had Solaire would allow them to depart without a fuss. Joseph looked onwards towards his comrades preparing their Harley Davidson Motorcycles and took solace in the fact that at the very least he could count on some of his friends. Some.

With the setting sun at their backs and the dry desert air flowing through their hair, the team set out in search for answers. All hunched over in concentration, all aside from solaire who was standing straight the fuck up whilst riding. At least he was wearing a helmet.

Having been on the road for days the team soon found themselves approaching the destination where their objective lie. A bustling city no doubt, but Joseph took the three crashed Apache Attack Helicopters as a bad sign. Settling for a slightly exploded bar as the location of their brief respite, the various warriors of justice approached the bartender.

"Oh fuck no." Let out the bartender at the sight of a group of obviously important characters.

"A-and what will it be for you?"

"I would appreciate a spot of Sunny-D if you would be so kind."

Confused on why a fully armoured knight was requesting a shot of Sunny-D, the bartender nodded nervously. After witnessing the horror and devastation brought by the orange feline, he had learned just how precious life was. It was his precious life that he feared for now.

He had seen some shit.

"I would like to ask if you had seen anything… unusual lately."

"Well a muscular orange cat trashed my bar and teleported me to Chicago. At least the local authorities were understanding about the whole thing. Happens a lot apparently."

"Bizarre." Joseph admitted.

"Yeah." Agreed the bartender.

"So what can I call you?"

"Barkeep."

"Alright but what's your name?"

"Actually my parents named me Barkeep."

"That is highly depressing."

Shifting the subject the two began to speak of a great many subjects. The sharing of knowledge had immersed both to such an extent that both had failed to realize Toastaro jumping out of the nearest window.

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR TALK. FIST SHALL BEGIN NOW." Toastaro screamed quietly.

It was then that Toastaro noticed an eye catching poster plastered on the wall of a dark alley. Moving closer he inspected the paper, and what it promised intrigue him.

"THIS RANDY PROMISES A GOOD TIME AND SOMETHING ABOUT A FISTING. I AM OBLIGATED TO ENGAGE IN INVESTIGATIONS." Declared Toastaro.

Wandering through the dark network of back alleys that constituted the shadiest parts of this city, Toastaro continued his search for Randy. If this individual was truly so skilled with his fists and "Magic Fingers" then he would make for a valuable ally. Failing that however, he would prove a welcome challenge.

Finally arriving on the doorstep to the parlor of Randy the Enfisted, and was greeted to a grandiose display of oiled muscle and leather. Toastaro's inner confusion and mixed feelings were interrupted by a question from the greased up source of Toastaro's inner turmoil.

"Hey, does this rag smell like whatever the fuck chloroform was based off of to you?"

"WHY YES IT DOES."

"Perfect. We shall lure them into some form of trap thing and pick them off like flies."

"I AM UNCONSCIOUS NOW." Toastaro declared whilst unconscious.

"Let us retreat to the well oiled cave of leathery muscle."

Later in the well oiled cave of leathery muscle.

"We are in the well oiled cave of leathery muscle." Said the well oiled muscular man in leather, whilst in the well oiled cave of leathery muscle.

It was despite the name not a cave, nor well oiled. It was infact however the backroom storage area of the local Costco. Toastaro had awoken to the sound of a resonating villainous laughter, and prepared to break free of his bonds before realizing they were comprised of Metal Gear V disks. Thinking that he could not harm such treasures he instead scanned the surrounding for some means of escape.

Toastaro began to grin enthusiastically. He had viewed the area surrounding him and found his salvation.

"What is it that grants you such joy?"

"SQUAD."


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: That which we hold dear will fade not only from existence, but also from our hearts. Stupidity and hate, however, are forever.

The sun rose as Garfield looked onwards towards his destination. He had made it. He had found Brazil, and knew that Berri was somewhere within. He could sense such things, being Garfield and all, yet could not pinpoint his exact location. He had traveled so far to bring this conflict to an end, and he would not allow this incarnation of Berri to continue to pollute this world with corrosive presence.

Few knew the truth of Garfield, and fewer chose to believe it. He had not always been this way. He had not always been immortal. This Berri would never bring such curses to this or any other world again.

Riding further on he began to see increasing signs of North Korean rule, but such things mattered not to Garfield. The sins of man were great, yet Garfield was to bear the burden of something far greater. He had resolved to end a sin older than man itself. The only thing Garfield felt nervous towards, and the only thing Garfield considered a threat.

As sunlight began to leak in from the nearby mountains, Garfield wondered how it was that someone, no - something, could find joy in ending such beautiful thing as the world. No. He couldn't even be sure if what Berri felt from all this could be considered an emotion. He couldn't even be sure Berri was a living being, or even some mindless force of nature carrying out these actions simply because the probability of such things happening somewhere in the multiverse was assured.

In the midst of deep thought Garfield drove. He drove on and on through the once free nation of Brazil. The blood of countless innocents had been shed in the initial invasion, and now the peoples here faced an oppressive puppet regime which sought to stifle their human rights. Garfield had the distinct feeling Berri dipped his hand in this conundrum, though he knew he could not blame all the world's problems on him. Only most of them. Though he wouldn't put it past him.

"Fucking dinosaurs." Garfield announced upon seeing that which blocked his path.

"DINOSAUR NOISES!" Screeched the T-rex.

With that Garfield lept from his Motorcycle, Desert Eagle twirling towards his grip. Rocketing towards the jurassic douchebag, he raised his free arm in a guarding stance whilst aiming his firearm from below his defensive appendage. The dinosaur began launching a barrage of flamboyantly colored explosive energy spiders, as Garfield opened fire. Destroying the oncoming projectiles, the momentum of Garfield's leap continued to deliver him to his opponent.

"You can block my bullets, but can you extinguish extinction?" Garfield asked of his foe.

"That which is extinct may never die! Fool! I was reborn by the will of The Song That Plays For Longest Ends!"

"What the actual fuck does that even mean?"

And with that Garfield closed in, and sealed it's fate. Or so he expected. What he did not expect was the dinosaur to adopt a defensive stance and parry Garfield. The tail of the beast shot forth wrapping around Garfield and throwing upwards to space.

Garfield had not expected to open his eyes and find himself surrounded by crimson sands. He was on mars. The dinosaur was also flying towards him from earth. The beast landed on Garfield, creating such a crater that a circular arena had been set. Miles upon Miles of smoothed terrain left to these two beings for their mortal combat.

"Fool, now you are on my home terrain!" Shouted the dinosaur.

"You are a space dinosaur?"

"No mortal! Do you not see? I AM THE ROMAN GOD, MARS!" Declared the roman dinosaur god of war.

With that the beast's arms grew to a size average to a creature of his proportions. Summoning forth two great gladius' of bronze and gold, the dinosaur rushed forward to meet his worthy adversary. Garfield recognizing him atlast as a worthy opponent, put away his gun. He would no longer require the handicap.

Rushing forth to clash blade on fist, the two manly masculine men engaged in manliness. The dinosaur lept into the air, and cascaded down in a twirl of bladed skill. Flipping to the side and landing on his knees, Garfield propelled himself upwards from his position and kicked upwards and to the back.

Having parried the blades Garfield altered the trajectory of his fall, and flipped once more. Rocketing forwards and striking viciously the nape of his foe's neck, Garfield expanded the radius of their crater arena through the sheer momentum of his blow.

"You fight as a true American! Yet can you outpunch me wielding the Mars Curiosity rover? Come my blade, and let us go where no man has gone before!"

With those challenging words, the rover rocketed towards its creator: The roman dinosaur god of war/ chief NASA scientist. Finding itself now in his grasp, the machine began to shed unnecessary parts revealing its true form.

The mars rover was a chainsaw.

Moving, faster than one could possibly say, the T-rex began to dash to random points around the arena. This gave the odd impression that he was appearing at multiple points at once, and was meant to confuse his foe.

"I SAW what you did there, but none can deceive Garfield's mystic eyes of bullshit perception!" Exclaimed Garfield.

Catching the ever rotating blade of the chainsaw, Garfield and the T-rex both decided it was time to end this.

All that could be seen from Earth was a great expanding wave of manliness which revived the vikings upon reaching the planet. It was as the citizens of Earth's nations looked upwards they saw a single shooting star descending from the atmosphere. They wished upon this star, and their wishes were granted. The star was Garfield.

Having landed back on earthen soil, Garfield looked upwards towards the sky to witness in horror the shards of Mar's former self descending to earth.

"NO! I can not allow this to be the end!" Garfield said heroically.

It was then that Garfield noticed something was very wrong. The shards had slowed their descent, and soon stopped entirely, all as the sky above took on a deathly greenish-tanned hue as the air grew heavy. Oppressive even. It was then Garfield turned to look behind him and felt a mixture of horror and righteous rage. He witnessed a flock of birds, frozen in place in the skies above. Time had been killed.

"BERRI! YOU HAVE LIVED LONG ENOUGH!"

 **Note: Sorry for the wait, I have a loose posting/writing schedule. Feel free to review, and I apologise for the quality which differs from chapter to chapter.**

 **Believe in the heart of the cards.**


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Look son, a plot(?).

Dripping, dripping, and more dripping yet.

Crimson running along the blade, pooling at the feet. Hunt, hunt oh little one, and bask in the praise of the defenseless. Kill the monster, save the world. Promised words given by no one in particular. These truths and scattered words flow slowly, as a viscous stream. Monsters have always threatened the realms of man. But are the monsters that are, anything but? Could it be that such things as these irrefutable truths could be anything but?

This is wrong. This is all wrong. The very corpse of this creature seemed to clash with the air around it. This thing seemed as though it simply didn't belong, yet it gave of an air of universal necessity.

Something was wrong with the sky above. The blue sky had become a the color of rotted paper, and the air grew heavy. As though the air itself had locked in place, and that conscious effort was needed to move through it. What was going on? Few present knew.

Yang stood, staring at the felled beast. Blake, having stopped to observe the situation from an objective standpoint, donned a look of horror as she pieced together just what it is that had happened. And Weiss pushed Jon Snow down some stairs.

Berri was making some variation of a snow angel in the beast's blood. Oh Berri.

This could have been prevented had they played Pokemon.

"Welp, looks like we killed time!"

The team was made painfully aware of the width of Berri's smile. He was ecstatic, and he bristled with joy. A feeling of absolute ecstasy, the team was further horrified to see, overtook this twisted being as he beheld the corpse of the entity who brought time to the universe. Dialga. Berri began to laugh erratically, and began to spasm unpredictably on the floor. In his eyes tears began to stream from the three dimensional cubic pupils which rotated feverishly within is abyssmal schilera. Lying on his back, the joints of his elbows reversed and elongated to push himself back into a standing position, only to return to normal once he was standing.

Ruby looked at the blood on her scythe. The blood that fuelled time itself. How was she still moving? Thinking? How, if time was truly destroyed, did she live long enough to realize what she had done?

'Oh my little roobster, it seems you've caught the attention of a rather powerful combatant." Berri hissed, indicating the muscular figure standing at the entrance of the ruined temple.

"You've done it. You've done it Berri. There is now something I hate more than I love lasagna."

"So it seems, but-" Berri spat back, as he received a fist which sent him flying three miles to the southeast. "You needn't worry. We're done here." He finished.

Garfield looked on in pity. That monster had dragged these mortal children and one white walker into this. He would not stand for this any longer, for as he had declared earlier, Berri had lived long enough. Leaping with lasagna infused strength, Garfield prepped his fist for an assault on the fortress of that motherfuckers face, and flew forth with righteous vengeance.

Rocketing forth to smash Berri into non existence, Berri simply stood up and lolled his head to the side. His smile began to tear at the seams as it grew in size, and he took the hit and flew even further. Again, again, and again.

"Enough with your mockery. Show now your true shape."

"Oh little kitty, I'm afraid you're a bit mistaken. The truth is I am ordinary human, just an… Average Joe…" Berri announced mockingly from two mouths that had opened on his palms.

Having had heard enough of this maniacs ramblings, Garfield called back his blade from the interdimensional abyss he once called home. He would not allow the fate of this world to be that which Berri wished for.

"The inscrutable machinations of my heart's desire are as though the lust's of the abyss. Ever empty, no matter that which one seeks to fills it with. An ant before the infinity of the multiverse might as well be non existent." Berri intoned from his three current mouths, his tone deepening.

"If such is true for the ant, then why might this theoretical infinity take such notice?" Garfield challenged.

"Oh I can promise you the troglodytes in my company will prove far greater than an ant. Perhaps they shall succeed where you have failed?"

"You are my only failure." Garfield nearly whispered, tranquil fury boiling within.

"You truly think yourself so great Garfield? So great that I may be categorised as something in relation to your efforts? I am beyond most, though I consider you the closest this shift contains to an equal to me. But think not, little cat, that you are so great that I am but a result of something you could possibly grasp. I am not the end of an endeavor. I am the end of all endeavors."

"You shed the thin veil of your falsehoods as a snake shed is scales. You are but an abomination. Shut up and cease your smiling, beast! How many times? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE THIS **?** How many worlds... you sniveling infant of the Old Ones."

"Never place me upon the sickening pedestals of those monstrosities. Although I may not adhere to your perception of one, is it so hard to imagine that I was once a man?"

"DO NOT INSULT MY PRECIOUS HUMANITY."

"Your precious 'humanity' is DEAD. You claim I to be a monster, and yet you yourself move to whichever world suits you when you abandon the prior."

"I came to save this world from you!"

"And so you abandon your world prior? Yes you left a barren universe, yet life will always usher anew. That was the realm of Garfield, and all life that grows there shall do so dependant on you, yet you came to chase me. If you manage to kill me, then what of the infinite other Berri's cursed with existence throughout the multiverse. Do you think you can free us all? No, but we shall free you all."

"I am going to kill you so hard you are going to die to death." Garfield politely informed Berri.

Raising his hand to the air, a heavenly light descended and shone on Garfield. The wind picked up to an absurd degree, blowing his mullet majestically back. His denim jacket flew backwards also, revealing his lasagna tone abs. Descending from space the blade Garfield wielded back in his home of the 41st millennium flew to its owner. As tall as its wielder, the blade stuck into floor at Garfield's feet, managing to slide into his raised grip as well. His was a regal greatsword, forged of gold with a hilt comprised of two detachable platinum plated desert eagles.

"Look Berri. Look at what you've wrought, because motherfucker… I AM AN EXTERMINATUS."

"So it would seem." Berri laughed, his smile finally actually reaching his ears.

Rushing forward to strike at Berri, only for a jagged spire of a blade to erupt from his torn mouth. Leaping from all fours, Berri lashed the unnatural mass of solid shadows towards Garfield's blade. In response to Garfield's flawless parry of his attack, Berri lurched backwards exposing his chest. His ribs dislocating, shattering, and reassembling. From his sundered flesh erupted dozens of skeletal arms, the attached blood vessels coalescing into the same jagged blades of blood and shadow. All began slashing at once, clashing with the blade of Garfield at inhuman speeds. Slashing the air with the speed of which someone begins to regret their life choices after resolving to read Sonichu, thunderous roaring erupted for every clash between gold and blood. Light and shadow.

The clash of their thousand strikes displaced space itself, and the atoms that stood in their path were slammed against each other by their blades so that thousands of instances of nuclear fission greeted the every lock of their deathly instruments. In the frozen time they clashed blades at a speed surpassing sound and soon Garfield found himself being overwhelmed. He could not risk stopping Berri at the cost of the earth, and so could not access his full might. Berri saw his hesitation and dashed back. Garfield thought that perhaps he might be allowing for a battle somewhere more fitting, but he realized Berri was not capable of such acts of small kindness. There he stood, hunched over with his flesh torn in a sick smile, ear to ear. His dozen extra arms parted to reveal a myriad of flaming orange eyes in the cavity where his heart should have been contained. Berri's normal eyes however were bored in an expression of pure hatred as he backed slowly away.

An 8'11 muscle bound warrior strode in to stand beside Garfield.

"Hello, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and I am here TO KICK YOUR ASS."


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Lul wut?

It's stopped.

All of it. The clouds above, crested with all the birds of the sky. The waves of the sea, and the leaves of the trees. The gears of his office had slowed, and at last stopped. All but those whose soul offered protection had been frozen. All that remained were the many sentient races of the world, and even then there were assured to be some too frail to resist. The headmaster supposed it was a mercy, for they would be spared the weight of the imminent future.

Ozpin looked outwards at the panicked lands that he was sure he would be ruling soon enough. No one could have predicted this, and no degree of deliberations amongst his compatriots would have ensured the foretelling of this event. It was though fate itself had smiled upon Professor Ozpin. Truly fate must have been quite obsessed with him in order to kill itself for his cause.

The expression of the headmaster seemed to drift to one of peaceful bliss. His eyes closing then opening to stare serenely at the frozen gears above. He looked once more to the distance, and at the sickly skies. He saw hundreds of his soldier, no, they were students for now. Hundreds of them running to and fro, trying to make sense of this oddity. The truly observant had even dropped to their knees upon making a most grim realization. Time was dead.

He had needed a disaster, and had indeed arranged for one, but this would suffice. Although this development was not what he had in mind, Ozpin could not deny that this provided the necessary effect. Some time ago Ozpin was a kindly man, who wished to spare the citizens of Vale from the grip of all the world's terrors. But now, after all that had transpired, he sought a different peace. One that would require a great panic, but minimal destruction.

He would need the resources of Vale intact.

"Looks like things are happening a bit ahead of schedule." Chirped an enthusiastic General hat wearing penny.

"Indeed things are, oh little toaster General."

She seemed elated at the new rank. Like a child receiving a gift on Christmas. She seemed to skip on her way to her room, most likely to don the long coat that accompanied the hat. The positions of command in the new world needed those with ample strength to maintain order, and Ozpin's immediate subordinates were indeed powerful. They will prove useful for his intended purposes.

Glynda, now freed from the education dungeons, meekly carried Ozpin's sixth cup of coffee of the morning to him. Qrow was in his room, trying to learn a new DragonForce song. And the team, RWBY if he recalled correctly, was off doing who knows what. Honestly the mission should have been simple, and a second Cold War should have been initiated by now. But alas, all that happened was the death of time itself. This bothered Ozpin not, for he was rather pleased at this development. This had never happened before, therefore it was obvious there was another being in this shift that he had not accounted for. A being from somewhere far away. Very far away.

"It is a shame James. A shame that you committed suicide in space for the future of mankind. If you hadn't died in the prologue as a joke you could have been something far greater."

Somethings were not meant to be, and wishful thinking rarely provides results. The dead are dead, and even so the care Ozpin held for him was minimal. I mean he wasn't Qrowbro. It was truly humorous, Ozpin mused, that from here on out history and time would be mutually exclusive. Mankind now entered an age of primordial simplicity. Mortals would cease to age, and the world would remain as a still picture frame. There were upsides to this that only Ozpin could grasp, and the looks of happiness on his face sent a slight shiver through Glynda's spine.

"Penny, are your new troops to your liking?" Ozpin asked to the now returned toaster.

Ozpin had wasted no time in his preparations. Over the years he had "displaced" members of the security council of Vale, one by one. Filling the positions with his own loyalist conspirators. The projects he proposed passed in secret, time and time again, and the basis of Ozpin's army was given form.

"Yep! The world will feel the might of my Adeptus Astartes!" Penny sang happily.

"Kids today." Ozpin sighed with a smile. He was so proud of the little printer.

"Sir! We're receiving readings of anomalous testosterone levels coming from Brazil!" Announced Ozpin's newest secretary, who was a spooky skelebro. Ozpin had needed a skeledude to counteract the spookiness of the Carnage Conquistadors.

"Da fuq" Ozpin inquired.

"It would also appear that the entire Southeastern section has been reduced to rubble. Civilian casualties appear to be at a minimum. Somehow. Like, I have no fucking clue.

"Are we prepared for the announcement?"

"S-soon sir."

It was all coming together. Soon enough he would be granted emergency powers in this "time" of crisis. Soon the machinations of he and his secret council of doomy evil badness would come to fruition. That which the being known as Ozpin had planned for centuries would finally come to pass. The world would shake at its seams for now, but the headmasters perfect peace would finally become reality.

" The crowd is waiting." Declared Qrow, leaning on the doorway some time later.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Friendly reminder that a human being sat down and decided to write this.

Too many. There were far too many.

Dragonslayer Ornstein, Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, looked onwards at the marauding hoard of Dragon Riders from the North Korean Air Force. The situation was grim indeed, and for some reason the nights sky above had taken on a sickly color. Ornstein knew, deep in his heart, that he would not live to see the light of day. All he could hope for was to buy the outside world time to prepare, and to this end he was resolved to stall for all the time he could.

Standing at the top of the wall built by his predecessors, he looked onwards at the coming horde and knew that he and his men at the very least had time to come to terms with their oncoming sacrifice. Ornstein descended from the wall to walk the grounds under his care, one last time. He looked to the side and saw the brave men that would be dying for the good of the world. He saw the looks on their faces and placed a hand on one's shoulder. Looking silently as the soldier lifted his head, Ornstein nodded and strode off once more.

"My lord, it is nearly time."

"I see. Ready the men."

"Of course. Good luck, commander."

And thus both were off. Ornstein walked briskly to the gallows, a fitting place to give this one last speech. A passing messenger also informed him that time had stopped and most of Brazil was destroyed.

"Fantastic." Ornstein dismissed.

A chill wind blew in the frozen time, peculiar truly, and the plume of Ornstein's helmet blew. How the wind blew whilst time was frozen, Ornstein didn't give a shit. Ornstein, in fact, gave so few shits that he didn't even give the customary chapter long speech.

"Men of the Night's Watch, tell me what you fear most. Is it the thought of death? Of oblivion? Of being forgotten? Is this perceived reality what you fear most? My men, who have served me for years upon years I ask of you this. Will you abandon the realm you have risked your life for countless times, simply because the opponents now ride the skies? Do you forget that we too possess air support? Look my fellows, and witness the donations made from our allies in Canada! Six hundred Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird's! Our answer to the draconic threat! Board the fighter jets my friends and let us take the fight to them! WE WILL NOT ABANDON THE REALMS OF MAN!"

The Six hundred fighter jets rocketed towards the dragon horde, and Ornstein prepared his lofty spear. Ornstein stood atop the jet traversing at mach three, and crouched down preparing to dash forth. Hundreds of other members of the Watch, also standing on the planes, prepared to do the same. His spear shone brightly with crackles of lightning, as Ornstein flew forward. His spear dug deep into the nutritious meat of a wyvern. Backflipping away Ornstein landed on another plane, and ducked as a wave of his soldiers crashed mid air against the dragons. The flying spin kicks of the Night's Watch downed some, though more were quick to advance.

The planes were swift in their return, and caught the falling soldiers whilst firing at the oncoming legions. Their commander Ornstein however was busy leaping from wyvern to drake, drake to wyvern. His golden spear, filled with the might of the sun's fury, stuck true on each blow. He let loose his bolts of lightning on the aggressor army, and struck a great many down. Ornstein was truly surprised at the number of foes his fellows had felled. It would seem that in the face of dragons, all men are heroes.

And then a great flash of light erupted amongst all, as the disorientation of the blast persisted until Ornstein found himself on the frozen floor. It was gone. All of it. The jets, and the dragons. And then Ornstein began to look around. The crashed jets and their barely surviving occupants, and the heavily wounded dragons now littered their new battlefield. Whatever knocked his forces from the sky had done the same to his opposition, and Ornstein was thankful for that at least. Under these conditions he could face them on his terms.

Raising his spear silently, Ornstein rallied his men with his golden visage. Striking his spear to the side he walked forwards, traveling to the dragon's death at his own pace. Thirty feet from the nearest dragon, Ornstein turned to face it. Not giving a shit, Ornstein kicked its ferocious maw when it struck forth for a bite. He then proceeded to stab the shit outta its head. Fucking gangsta.

Turning and crouching for another dash towards the main horde, the men of the Night's Watch imitated their leader. Dashing forth to meet their prey, the swords and shields of humanity struck true. For hours the fought, down to the last man. Their memories of the families they left to protect burned in their hearts till the very end, and Ornstein found himself alone amidst corpses. Hearing a roar and thinking the fight not over, Ornstein lept back to his feet and turned to face his foe. What he found was the source of the great blast that had knocked him out of the sky.

A blond and muscular man descended from a staircase comprised of slender green beasts. He was a thickly muscled man, with relatively long golden hair. His hazel eyes were possessed of the utmost amusement, as though he had not expected anyone to survive the blast and fall, nevertheless to continue fighting. He adorned himself in a grandiose cape of satin colored in burgundy hues. Ornstein could see the reflection of his dented armour in its lustrous sheen. Underneath this cape he wore no shirt, for who could bear to hide such abs? His silken pants were of a crimson color, perhaps to mask discoloration of the bloodshed that was to come.

"You seem… alive?" The figure asked, muscles rippling in his arms.

"For the moment, it would seem." Ornstein shot back sarcastically.

"Tell me, do you wish to live? Perhaps you might be convinced to serve a different lord?"

"No."

"Then I shall depart. Farewell Corpsestein." Dio finished as he walked back towards his flying legion, leaving Ornstein to die of his wounds.

"I will serve no new lord," Ornstein said amidst the corpses of his men. "Because Dio, I'm already a demon."


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: So how's your day been?

 _Five years prior._

It was a tiresome job, although the huntsman was dutiful in it's execution. Years prior he had been selected by his superiors for this task, as his skill with the disco revolvers was nearly unmatched. Having been selected by the Elders of The Order of Crystal Dragon Zeus, he was trained early on in the art of rocking to the beat. His rhythmic style brought tears of funk to all whom he rescued. His task was simple: To fight crime and hunt vampires. The youth, however, often found difficulty balancing his duties with his innate passion for underground street racing. His need for speed clashed eternally with his inner vigilante, and this disparity between his dual natures caused no end of discomfort to our lonely hero. He began to slowly exit the McDonalds, having finished his job. A coven of vampiric Cheeseburgers had begun to prey on the innocent of this settlement and, as a huntsman of Crystal Dragon Zeus, the cleanup was left to him.

The shock of the citizens faces began to subside when they noticed the demonic energies leaking from their smashed burgers. They soon realized the random screaming teenager that had destroyed their food with radical firearms had saved them, yet he had vanished by the time they turned to thank their rescuer. Overlooking the city from the skyscrapers above, Steven Urkel contented himself with the knowledge of their silent thanks. His neon-blue scarf trailing in the Seattle winds, Urkel resolved to find that which was behind the recent string of vampiric cheeseburger attacks. The vampire burger was once one of humanity's few natural predators, having evolved from politicians, and for years seemed bent on retaking their place on the food chain. Urkel detested such creatures. In his eyes it was those who must prey on others who exhibit true weakness.

Standing on the ledge and looking outwards, Urkel took appreciation in the beauty of the world. So long as humanity took strides to improve, he would be there. A silent defender. To suppress the darkness of the worlds beyond, Urkel would risk life and limb. Fear was reserved for prey, and Urkel smirkeled as he reminded himself of his status. It was he who monsters feared, and with good reason. The power of funk dwelt deep within the young huntsman, and his faith in the disco granted him strength. With his revolvers of the funk holstered, he lept from the building. Gliding gracefully to the parking lot below, Urkel entered his midnight blue 1980 Cadillac Eldorado silently in the moonlight.

Setting out to the motel he had been staying at, he found himself thinking of simpler days past. He missed his friends back in Drangleic, but he did not regret his choice. It was not as though he never visited anyways, but still the long silences his journeys invited wore down on him. He drove and drove, lost in the bliss of a long highway drift. A fond past and an ambitious future. These were the thoughts of one on the road, burning through the night. Eventually Urkel realized he had overshot his destination. It didn't matter, for he had left nothing behind and had payed upfront. His absence would not be felt, and Urkel felt at peace on the open road anyways. After all, one must take these chances to enjoy what they might. Such joy is a fleeting triviality before the forces of destiny.

Taking the Interstate 5 south from Seattle, Urkel had the world before him. The chains that bound those of his profession mattered not on the open road, and Urkel took solace in this small freedom. He was his own man, and the toils of the outside world could wait. Urkel wondered briefly if such a thing was a selfish indulgence, but surely his life of service permitted him this small pleasure. Surely his heroic deeds aloud for these few comforts. Surely he had done enough for now.

Urkel found his mind drifting once more to those thoughts of what was owed to him. He tried to remember the teachings of Father Kirei, but the selfish nature of man always lurked within his subconscious. These thoughts of arrogance and entitlement were interrupted with the arrival of a mysterious individual staring directly at Urkel from outside his window. Right on the hood. Whilst Urkel was driving. Needless to say, Urkel was quite startled and quickly hit the damn brakes on that shit. It was like super scary and stuff.

Urkel swiftly exited the now stopped car, and quickly drew his guns in preparation for the worse. The figure rose, and its demeanor, evocative of the darkest abyss, became fully apparent. Such that even in the immediate headlights of Urkels car, all flesh left exposed by its clothing was an impenetrable black. All that could be claimed visible of his features were the two piercing symbols on what passed for his face. Two burning red scars, as perfectly symmetrical as two mirrored sides, shaped as bolts of some foul, twisted lightning. The tips of these streaked down the smooth abyss of its face, and brought to mind the image of a sharp and angular rorschach mask. From these scars drifted dull embers, orange as the purest of flames. Its upper body was obscured primarily by an intricately knitted poncho, and Its hair likewise was blocked from view through the placement of a matching sombrero. Looking downwards to obscure its face, it raised its right hand, fingers outstretched. In between each finger, a blade was held. Barely appearing out of his poncho, Urkel could see he held but one in its left hand. Upon closer inspection Urkel saw that these blades seemed to the ancient obsidian blades of the old South American cultures.

"Disco huntsman, I hold words for you." The being spoke in a resounding Spanish accent.

"Care to explain yourself? You know you gave me quite the spook."

Replied Urkel, now ready for combat.

"I am a vampiric bandido, and I fight for the future of mankind." The being replied in an uncaring tone.

"You wouldn't be the first vampire I put down." Urkel confidently informed the opposition.

"Shoot, and I will be your last. Attempt, that is." Spoke the bandit, now behind him.

Being a huntsman, and with training from the Order of Crystal Dragon Zeus, Urkel far surpassed most foes in terms of physical abilities. This sudden display of physical superiority shook Urkel, who immediately attempted to strike with a melee attack with his right hand. This of course was a distraction, as Urkel lined up a shot with his left. He was prepared for the impending damage his foe would inflict on his right arm, and would take solace knowing he had at least put down this far greater foe. The foe, however, gave no shits and grasped both arms firmly. The confusion on Urkels face soon gave way to pain as the bandit snapped the arms of Urkels mortal vessel.

"I will not kill you, huntsman of the funk, for it is your expertise in the ending of the undead which this world will soon have need of. Before the oncoming storm, you shall realize I am but one man. Powerfull I may be, there are limits to what such a beast can do. And yet I ask you, what of hundred? Of two, three, four? Of a thousand? Humanity is a resource to those of my ilk, but you may consider me an environmentalist of sorts. Against the oncoming wave of undeath, the flames of humanity will fade. I will not allow this. The life of an individual is a small thing to the greater powers of the worlds, yet this is because they lose track of that which makes the gift of sentience so special. The individual is special, for they are an individual."

"W-what are you talking about?" Urkel asked, pained by his wounds.

"We're going on a trip."


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Jaune summons the spooky demons.

"W-well team RWBY has b-been gone for a while, huh Pyrrha." Jaune asked to his sock puppet filled with Pyrrha's ashes.

"Yeah. You should summon Satan." The voices in Jaunes head suggested warmly. Really warmly. Actually the room was on fire.

Jaune sat hunched over on his bed, staring crookedly at his sock puppet. He had done well in fixing up Pyrrha's wounds, and she seemed more talkative than ever. Pyrrha had always been supportive of Jaune's endeavors, and ever since he had saved the day she had been far more encouraging. She was always helping him whenever he needed advice, even when she was nowhere near him. This was quite rare however, as he always kept Pyrrha close at hand. He no longer needed to worry about his teammate, for although they occasionally offered Jaune worried glances they still seemed to care. Unfortunately they insisted on getting rid of Pyrrha, and so Jaune had ask for Ozpin's permission in keeping them in the Education Dungeons.

Jaune was grateful to the headmaster for his understanding, and was sure his teammates had forgiven him by now. Pyrrha's advice had always proved to be the correct path to follow. Setting Cardin's room on fire was wonderful, and Jaune had even enjoyed slipping phosphorus into the cafeterias burgers. So perhaps summoning such a creature would be fun for the whole family. Jaune hugged his sock puppet tightly and resolved to follow the voices instructions. The sun shone through the cracked windows of his room, and the badgers that had taken residence in his bathroom were foaming at the mouth enthusiastically. Jaune was glad his badger buddies seemed so happily, and tossed them another trash bag of dead pigeons.

The basis for the ritual had already been set, and Jaune need only wait. The concentrated phosphorus contained in the cafeteria should prove enough to end the sufficient number of lives. Jaune donned his usual outfit, a torn and ragged burlap robe, and reached for his equipment. He set out to witness the endless sea of bloody excrement that would soon flow, and with the amount of the chemical ensured each case would end in death. Pyrrha sure was great at planning things. Jogging lightly through the schools grandiose halls, Jaune began to sing and spasm erratically. Falling occasionally, Pyrrha was always sure to remind him of the task at hand.

Only students, and only some at that, were in attendance due to Ozpin's recent press conference. Jaune felt slightly disparaged at the minimal number of students beginning to flail endlessly on the floor. Others attempted to open the doors for escape, only to get on the floor. Jaune likened them to dinosaures. Dankest of memes aside, a small portion of Jaunes psyche screamed for help. This however, was overshadowed by his immense disappointment in the lack of apparent demon summonings. Heading back to his room in shame, Jaune fell heavily onto the golden flowers Ozpin had dumped onto his bed for some reason. Getting up in order to play with his badger buddies, Jaune noticed something rather off about his reflection in the bathroom mirror a few feet away.

For some reason his reflection had taken on the appearance of a far more pail youth possessed of shoulder length brown hair. His age seemed to perfectly mirror that of his summoner, and his crimson eyes spoke of an honest sincerity. His striped green shirt seemed relatively loose, and his smile emanated a happy innocence. Jaune's reflection broke the laws of our perceived reality, and tilted its head inquisitively. Jaune grew elated upon realizing what exactly was happening.

"The pizza's here!" Jaunes broken mind believed.

The being in his mirror opened its mouth partially, as if in amusement. It tilted its head to the other side as its smile widened. There was little doubt the being was pleased with this occurrence, and its expression was one of warm patience. Raising one hand to caress the side of its face, and began to laugh lightly. It was an innocent chuckle, and Jaune shared his twisted smile.

"I am afraid there is no pizza to be found here."

Jaune grew confused. If this entity was not he who delivered pizza, then who might it be? Jaune's joy reached worrying levels as he realized what had been set in motion. The entity in his reflection took notice of his revelation, and slowly nodded affirmatively. Brought into a near physical existence, the being seemed to smile in supportive of Jaune and his recent actions.

"S-so you came? You'll hear me out?"

"So it would seem. Let loose your heart's desires, and reveal to me that which you wish for. I will tell you this now. I do not grant miracles. I am merely a guide, here to help those lost sheep in need of a shepherd. Sing truly lost soul, sing of that which you require most."

"W-well it doesn't matter if you can't affect things directly, because all I need is for you to ensure someone's safety. I need you to guide them. E-ensure they return safely."

"And who is it that you request the salvation of?"

"Ruby Rose."

"It is my promise that one named Ruby Rose shall walk these grounds again. We shall refrain from becoming acquainted with one another, for in truth it is not you who I am dealing with. Your compliance is appreciated. Thank you, partner."

Jaune realized that his reflection was without anomaly, and wondered if his prior dealings were fact or fiction. He supposed it no longer mattered. If there was anything that could be done, then it had been done. Anything that was to unfold by this point was out of his hands. He knew that everything was going to be okay. The friendly Satan thing was going to help everybody, and the everything was going to be saved.

Jaune started off towards Ozpin's office to tell him the good news, and passed by the now desolate cafeteria. The soothing gurgles of the remaining stragglers was as a melodic serenade of pure, intrinsically wondrous, purity. Jaune was pretty fucked up. Passing Ozpin by chance, Jaune greeted his possibly equally deranged headmaster warmly.

"Hello little virgin. You've been rolling around in those flowers I dumped on your bed, right?" Ozpin asked at the sight of him.

"Yes. I think I also summoned a Satan thing."

"Well that is just fine and dandy. What did you do with it?"

"Well I sent it to bring Ruby back."

"Well that is just fine and dandy."


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Hiatus lost.

Their glorious lord stood before them, his flaming hoofs heating the floor beneath him to just below melting temperature. Their glorious lord raised his four arms in triumph, cracking the air with their speed. Their glorious lord roared it's inhuman screeches, sounding like a flaming guitar being shredded by a Norse god. The skeletal, flame-wreathed, and metal-as-fuck unicorn warlord stood amongst his followers. It was this infernal being that had formed this skeletal biker gang of spaniards, and he stood amongst them now freed from his imprisonment underneath the waves of the Atlantic Ocean.

Lord Sparkleflame, The Defiled Lord Executioner of the Profaned Inferno, leaned backwards and put his four arms to the action of shredding spontaneously generated guitars of flame. Raving with fury unparalleled, the Carnage Conquistadors burst into flame whilst unsheathing their own guitars. Lord Sparkleflame looked onwards towards his underlings and took note of their reduced numbers. It mattered not to him, for the time for recruitment would come soon enough.

It was then that a great screen displayed the visage of an armoured figure, his silhouette black with scarlet streaks of leaking flame. It was then, in a dark and brooding tone, it began to speak. It's voice a deep yet quiet tone, reeking of confidence. Lord Sparkleflame grew enraged at the sight of his old nemesis.

¨Baron Von Megadracula McHellsatan, Accursed Sovereign of the Envenomed Abyss. Is there a reason you disgrace us with your unnecessarily edgy appearance?"  
"I have simply called to remind you of your fleeting existence, and of the fact that you look like a He-Man villain."  
"At least I am not the very image of stereotypical behind the scenes bullshit villain."  
"ENOUGH!" Came a resounding voice. One that neither had heard in a very long time.

It was Mecha-Omega-Beelzebub, The Cyborg Conqueror of Space Hell. Appearing in through a gate of flame, and manifesting as a golem of magma and barbed wire. The being frothed with an unimaginable rage, which festered in the orb of condensed Eskimo tears that made up this form's core. Pointing towards the two bickering entities, the creature shouted in an authoritative tone "Just bone already!"

"No, but I do believe he may have a point. Let us settle this little disagreement. I challenge you to the upcoming Battle of the Bands!" Challenged the shadowy figure behind the screen.  
"You're on!" Bellowed Lord Sparkleflame, confident in his shredding skills.

The magma golem looked pleased with this development, and transformed into a swarm of bats which then proceeded to explode into Icelandic screaming lightning. The challenge had been set, the Carnage Conquistadores would face off against this shadowy new foe in the upcoming Battle of the Bands. Lord Sparkleflame reared his head backwards and unleashed his atomic breath, obliterating the display his nemesis had displayed himself on. The unicorn guitarist unsheathed his two greatswords, and held above his head in rage. The two blades were formed from fossilized dinosaur corpses, and sparked into toxic flames when wielded. In the lower pair of his four arms were held curved daggers carved from two of his own ribs. Grinding his blades together, his great blades caught flame and screeched in the forgotten tongues of metal.

Lord Sparkleflame, Conquering Warlord of The United Spheres of Chaos, roared in the tongue of his dead people. That which he said translated roughly to "Fuck you" though few in the room could decipher the shout. Each of the Carnage Conquistadores unsheathed their Chainsaw-Flamberge's and mounted their Motorcycles. Flying through the shattered windows of their skull-shaped undersea lair, they carved a path of slaughter through Atlantis on their way to the shoreline. Lord Sparkleflame stopped along the way in order to set fire to multiple undersea buildings. Encountering an undead piloted german submarine, the skeletal bikers decided set that shit on fire as well. The Carnage Conquistadors cared not for your silly notion of conventional physics, for those who become skeletons ascend to the level of Skele-Physics.

The challenge had been posed by Megadracula, and even Mecha-Omega-Beelzebub had approved. The guitar skills of Lord Sparkleflame were legendary, to say the least, and the hauntingly rhythmic screeches his guitar let loose resounded firmly in the memories of any who had heard him play. The skeletal unicorn assured his compatriots of their victory, and let out a hearty laugh as he cascaded outwards from the ocean waves onto the shoreline of America. 


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20:

Joseph stared intently at the well oiled leather-clad musclebound, no doubt because the sight brought back some rather unpleasant memories. Protoman was kneeling near the entrance, guarding against further intrusion. Kakashi, being a damn ninja, was nowhere to be seen. Solaire himself was rather difficult to locate, at least until the thunderous noises of his high speed descent made his approach apparent. Looking up in horror, Randy found the knight of sunlight crashing down in a fearsome divekick. Dodging out of the way, Randy thought he had escaped the attack, though in reality that was merely Solaire's method of transportation. Wrapping his arms around Randy, Solaire snapped backwards. The invitation to Suplex City having been sent, Solaire cartwheeled away as Randy struggled to his feet through the pain.

Regaining the clarity of his vision, Randy saw of an orb of seething energy flying towards him and attempted to swat the energy away with a stylish flourish of his pimp hand. Randy, however, was not plot relevant enough to accomplish such a feet, and instead burnt his left hand to a scorched mess of shriveling small tendons. Reeling back in horror, Randy snapped a thin tripwire and sent a flurry of kunai knives showering down from the rafters. Trying in vain to cartwheel away, Randy realized his bloody stump made for poor structural support. Being too slow to fully escape the shower, Randy found a great multitude of cuts opening throughout the fleshy layers of his body. He also took note of several severed tendons. Randy surveyed the area for any means of salvation, and could only find his last resort hidden amongst the rubble of the Costco.

Joseph began his slow walk towards his foe, and looked down to his bloodied form lying prone on the floor below. Joseph had always respected those who faced him, yet this Randy was no warrior. He was merely a coward relying on traps which Joseph had easily avoided. As he continued his walk towards the end of the room, he passed Randy without hesitation and aided Toastaro in his escape from his bonds. Gazing back towards his defeated foe, Joseph took note of him reaching into the nearby shattered packaging containers and retrieving a small box with his non-ruined hand. Joseph also took note of his laughter, for it seemed to indicate that he thought he was going to win.

"Y-you absolute fools! Did you truly think my master would send me out without a contingency plan?"

Joseph stared blankly at the fool on the floor, yet his eyes narrowed at the sight of what he pulled from that box. A stone carved spider, large enough to cover a human's face. Smearing his own blood on the spider, he realized he had failed following through with the correct order of events involved with it's usage. He spent nearly five minutes cleaning the spider before placing it upon his face. Randy began to spiel some villainous tangent about his imminent ascension from human limitation and why some random broad was best girl, before once more smearing his blood on the stone object.

Transforming into massive spider, Randy let loose a roar filled with naught but hate. Believing himself now invincible, Kakashi threw a single knife Into one of Randy's many eyes, for the laughs. Screeching in pain, Randy gave Joseph a mild headache and irritated all present. Charging at Joseph, Randy forgot that Protoman was still at the entrance he had turned away from. This proved rather troublesome for Randy, who soon found the bottom segments of each of his legs burnt to ash. Realizing that nearly everyone present had highly effective ranged attacks, and that they outnumbered him and were spread around the area, Randy remembered that his spider form had no pants to shit.

Toastaro took notice of his enemies paralyzing fear, and and rushed forward whilst Solaire slid closer to Joseph. Toastaro began to deliver earth shattering blow after blow, and completely demolished the giant spider's once fearsome mandibles. Screaming in agony, Randy gazed into the rage filled crust of his assailant. Kakashi himself was busy lazily throwing Knives into whatever joint he could find on the spider's body. Randy realized at that moment that his new spider physiology resulted in him acquiring chronic depression. It was not known by many, but the hatred spiders hold in their hearts is the result of a psyche broken by despair and loneliness. For none give consideration to the hearts of spider. If the average spider could speak, then what tearful tales would it sing of? One of lost love? A desire to help others, only to be swatted at in disgust?

Randy could stand it no longer, and turned so that he might fire his webbing towards his opponents. Toastaro lept to the side as the webbing cascaded towards Joseph and Solaire. Finding themselves encased in this new binding, both realized that they truly gave no shits. Calmly nodding towards one another, the resolved to end this pitiful display.

" _What are you two noddin about?!"_ Asked Randy, breaking down into tears.

Turning his head, Randy barely noticed a faint purple glow emanating from within his own webbing.

"You really are a sad thing, aren't you? Well then, how about we end that for you? Take a closer look at _our_ predicament. You truly know nothing of your new powers. Don't you see? You're a Sydney Funnel-Web Spider! Are you aware that they die upon exposure to sunlight? "

Joseph and Solaire grasped at the source of the purple lighting. It was Joseph's stand Hermit Purple, and proved an immensely efficient conduit for Hamon. Has Hamon flowed from Joseph's hands, it intermingled with the golden lightning from Solaire's casting of Sunlight blade. The two energies of Life and Light surged through Joseph's stand, and reached the spider they were fighting. Turning into a mere pile of burnt ash and cinder, Randy rethought his life choices. Solaire looked onwards in pity, whilst Kakashi threw another knife at its corpse. Protoman, however, was checking the local new on his phone.

Upon witnessing the expression of their teammate turn to that of shock, and wandered closer to inspect the news feed. Seeing his colleagues approaching, Protoman turned the screen to show them its contents. They all gazed upon the screen, and shook with rage upon seeing what had befallen their world. Time had frozen and North Korea, led by Dio, was mobilising.

Joseph rethought his life choice.


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21.**

Ozpin looked proudly upon the fine piece of embroidery laid before him. A new uniform, befitting of one possessing his position. He had looked forward to this day for years, in part thanks to the uniform he now had an excuse to wear. It maintained the varying shades of green that constituted his color scheme, and was adorned with all manner of silver accessories. He would often refer to them as "A fuck-ton of buttons" when describing it to his exasperated indentured servant, Glynda. It was a uniform similar to that of the generals of the Old World. The world before his influence was made known. Silver buttons connected the two halves of the front, and a singular medal adorned its breast. A medal designed and commissioned by Ozpin himself, that displayed a particular cane piercing a particular globe.

Ozpin's gaze shifted somewhat to the side, where a matching hat of military design sat. Finally Ozpin's dream of looking like a super villain would become a reality, and he had none others to thank for it but team RWBY and a brazenly homosexual eldritch abomination. Even now soldiers flew towards Brazil for the purpose of reacquiring these useful pawns, all under the guise of civilian evacuation. Ozpin laughed at the thought that such an explanation was not necessarily incorrect. Such half-truths were a source of endless amusement for the headmaster, and it was one of the few passions in which he indulged himself regularly. Aeons he had awaited the coming of some apocalyptic force, and he was elated at the arrival of not one, but two or even three. " _How wonderful!"_ he thought, " _That such beautiful destruction might grace our world!"_ He had spent years attempting to create threat after threat so that the world around him might cower, but human resiliency nonetheless proved an infallible aigis in the face of such forces. Never had the danger of extinction come so close as to justify his seizing of emergency powers, but the destruction of a planet, the freezing of time itself, the mobilization of North Korea, and finally the obliteration of the majority of Brazil in an instant shattered any doubt the civilian populace may have had for an expert in the unusual to take the reigns of their society.

Ozpin smiled at the thought of all those Grimm who stood frozen in time, their existence unprotected by the guarding light of the soul. Those without the light of an aura to shield them were halted along with the time-stream, with the only exception being creature that had obtained great power through some other means. The more powerful of the Grimm were certainly still free to roam, but the once ever present danger of overwhelming hordes had now been alleviated. Ozpin wondered how truly furious his prior one night stand must be at this development.

"Ain't no bitch gonna keep me down." Ozpin laughed.

The field was ripe for harvest, and the scythe of Ozpin's will reaps the rewards of his endeavors even now. It was as he had begun to laugh uncontrollably that Penny, master of the Astartes and the chosen of R'hllor, entered the room. Ozpin, as always, disengaged his current activity to partake in a session of head pats. The adorable toaster, resurrected in the light of R'hllor, was destined to bring about an age of flame, and was fucking adorable as well. It was for these qualities that Ozpin ensured a pleasant stay in his domain.

"Soon enough my Space Marine legions shall crush all that oppose our glorious reign!" Penny exclaimed with cheerful innocence.

"Holy fuck that adorable." Ozpin whispered under his breath.

Leading Penny to the windows, Ozpin asked her what she saw.

"Bitches and Whores?" Penny asked, remembering Ozpin's constant ranting that she had mistaken for an attempt at a lesson.

"Not this time. It's the future."

Ozpin's gaze drifted from the horizon to the clockwork mechanisms that hung suspended above him. The gears that turned endlessly, even as time had stopped pushing them. Few were attentive to such details, and Ozpin marveled at how such suspicious facts could go unnoticed when hidden in plain sight. Their endless ticking echoed quietly throughout the room, accentuated especially during moments of silent tension. Gazing back to the window the view of the horizon distorted and shifted in Ozpin's vision as a moment of instability overtook him. The branches of trees in the distance became cracks in reality that spread up to the sky above, each leaking viscous red fluids which spread horizontally until the tainted hues if the dead sky were drowned in the sea of visceral tears. Ozpin resumed his laughter as he spasmed from joy on the floor of his office, the gears, in his vision, now hanging his pawns by nooses of barbed wire. Penny looked at the headmaster and was happy that he seemed to be having so much fun.

Ozpin was happy. He was happy to finally live in such a mad world. A world as mad as he himself had been upon its inception. He was so close to home that he could nearly taste the horrid air as he breathed in relief and comfort. Everything was going swimmingly, and nothing could ruin this fine mood. Sauntering over to his desk, Ozpin grabbed his coffee mug and treated himself to the dark roast that had been brewed that very morning. He produced a sugar cube from his desk and tossed it towards Penny, who consumed it adorably. Ozpin's desires were finally intersecting with reality, and he couldn't be happier.


End file.
